I know I have not written in months. The rollercoaster of emotions I have experienced have kept me away. I hit what I hope was my rock bottom in mid October – I did not know if I would bounce back, but, here I am on a slow uphill climb. And, on this Thanksgiving Day, the first major holiday since my separation, I would like to pay homage to all I have found myself thankful for in the past few months.
I am thankful for:
The woman who sold me my new bedroom furniture. Somehow she picked up on the fact that I was buying a new bedroom set for myself when I had only just recently bought furniture for my new home at the same store. Maybe it was the way our account showed up, or my silence or the tears glazing my eyes, but she hugged me and I knew that she knew.
My sister who let me sleep on her floor those first few nights. Who didn’t give up hope for my relationship. Who bought bottles of wine and let me drink most of them so I could fall asleep peacefully.
The lady who I see at Dunkin Donuts every morning, for telling me one morning “you always have the best dresses and look so nice.” I don’t think she knew how much I needed the confidence boost…or maybe she did.
One for allowing me to vent and cry for an endless amount of time in her office. For answering my calls and my texts, and for making me laugh. For being someone I can tell anything to.
Another for sending me inspirational quotes and giving me firsthand advice.
Another for spending Thursday nights at the bar with me, singing along to my weird song choices, and sitting in the car after lunch listening to country music.
Another for giving me motherly advice when I needed it most.
My coworker who unexpectedly became my biggest supporter. For checking on me after work hours and on weekends by asking if everything was ok and reminding me to be strong. For staying and talking to me after work on my toughest, lowest days. For reminding me that I deserve better and that I was going to be happy again. For believing in me and wanting more for my future.
My boss for giving me the fatherly advice I needed.
My friend for spending many Tuesday nights in Montclair with me. For inviting me to her home and allowing me to cook a meal…something I miss doing so very much. I don’t think she knows how much I appreciated doing something that made me feel like home.
My fellow English-loving, Fall-obsessed friend for listening to my endless venting. For Taco Trivia Therapy Tuesdays. For making plans with me on a day off from work. For keeping my secrets.
My family. My mom for always wanting what is best for me. My aunt for keeping the fun in my life.
The clinician who gave me my first facial, for asking me what was wrong, for sharing her own divorce story and for making me feel like I was going to be ok, even for just an hour.
My therapist. For giving me one day of the week for which to look forward. I do not know where I would be without you.
The members of the English Department where I work. For inviting me to their beginning of the year BBQ and making me feel like I belonged somewhere.
The unexpected friends. The ones who made sure I didn’t spend a minute feeling alone. For making breakfast plans and coffee dates and dinner schedules. For being on my side when I needed it the most.
My professors, teachers, Facebook friends I’ve never met but to whom I am connected. For their words of wisdom, hugs, and laughs.
When you’re in the depths of despair you find out who is really in your corner. Some you expected, and some you never imagined would care as much as they do. I am incredibly lucky to wake up every morning and drive to a place that feels like home but is called work. To have the friends and family that I have. To be surrounded by people and things and places that make me forget about the sad times. In my time of need I have met literal angels on earth.
I am a better person because of all of you.
I am a stronger person because of your support.
I am here today because you did not let me fall apart.
I don’t say it because the words choke me up.
But thank you.